City Bus Riders' Code of Ethics

Based on actual observations

by LifeWrecked

1. Be respectful of the homeless - the bench you're sitting on may be their bed.

2. If, while waiting at a bus stop, someone comes along and asks you if bus #(n) (not yours) has gone by yet, be kind to them and tell them you just got there (whether you did or not), and you haven't seen it (whether you have or not). It isn't polite to dash people's hopes with reality (whether you know what that is or not). Besides, their bus will probably show up before yours anyway (see Murphy's Bus Law below).

3. Avoid laughing at the passenger who just got on the bus wearing clown hair (pink, green, chartreuse, or various combinations thereof). Remember that everyone is born with some genetic defect, whether obvious or not.

4. Always be polite to your bus driver. After all, you're riding the bus because it's your last hope. They're probably driving it for the same reason. You can't have too many friends with wheels when you're living on the cheap.

5. Bus drivers really like surprises, so be sure to wait until the bus is five feet from your stop to ring the stop bell. The rest of the passengers will also appreciate the opportunity to re-organize their carry on stuff (purses, grocery bags, etc.)

6. Lose the fantasy that your bus driver is a mechanic, rocket-scientist, chief-of-police, sanitation engineer (garbage-collector), or priest. See #4 above. Why would they be driving you around if any of those things were true?

Useful Definitions

1. Bussneck (bus' nek): A tendency for one's neck to be twisted left (and difficulty looking right). Caused by constantly looking left hoping that the bus is coming. Note that this condition may be reversed in some countries.

2. Optimistic: The person who gets on the bus and has to rummage around in their pocket/purse for the fare. Also refers to the person who attempts to negotiate the fare with the driver.

3. Tanning Salon: A "bare" bus stop - no bench, no overhang, no shade/protection of any kind. See also: Automatic People Wash.

4. Busspass (bus pas'): What happens if you don't move fast enough or look desperate enough when the bus is coming.

5. Door of Hope (2-door buses only): At your destination stop; the door the really slow moving person isn't headed for. Note that at your boarding stop, this door does not exist.

6. MyBizizYourBiz: The bus rider who likes to use their "walkie-talkie" cell phone (nice and loud) so everyone can enjoy both sides of their personal conversation.

7. Out of Service: Full. Alt: (driver) avoiding un-desirable clientele.

8. On Time: Any time no earlier than 1 minute before scheduled arrival. No limit on time after scheduled arrival.

9. Self-entertaining: The crazy/loaded person who has determined that you alone, among all 10 or 12 people waiting for the bus, "understand".

10. Groucho Marx: The guy at the bus stop who asks you for a light (and you don't smoke), when there's another person standing three feet away from you, smoking. When you tell him no, he approaches that other person, asks for a light, and then asks for a cigarette.

11. Gag Factor: The likelihood of multi-passenger asphyxiation due to someone boarding the bus with extra strong perfume/cologne/aftershave.

12. 4-Alarm Bathing Emergency: When a passenger who clearly hasn't bathed in a month boards the bus. Often this will prompt the driver (thankfully) to drive with the doors open (if the doors aren't interlocked). If not, walking begins to look like a viable option if it isn't more than a couple miles to your destination.

13. Murphy's Bus Law: When you arrive at your boarding stop, your bus will be the last one of those of all the passengers who are waiting (or who arrive in the 10 minute period after you) to show up. This is irrespective of any published bus schedule.

14. BegWitchery: A female beggar (or a male, if you're female, or, - well never mind...) who is clearly a) more affluent then you, b) so young and good looking you can't bear the thought of the word "no", c) only needs a quarter to ride a $2.00 bus, and d) apparently isn't catching said bus at your stop.

15. DontKnowButThinkImGlad: At the bus station, waiting in the bus for the driver to get back from coffee break. There's a young man in front of you who is looking around apprehensively, as if searching for someone (or hiding there from). About 5 minutes later, he gets up, peers out the window with a terrified look, and bolts off the bus, never to return.

16. WishMyLifeWereThatEasy: Similar scenario at bus station, only this time it's a lady who looks cool as a cucumber. She waits for the driver to get back, calmly gets up, walks off the bus, and boards the bus right next to it.

17. Murphy's Bus Law Corollary #1: Rain causes the bus to move slower due to water resistance (think of swimming). Failure to carry an umbrella amplifies this effect.

18. Murphy's Bus Law Corollary #2: If you are one minute late at your boarding stop, the effect noted in Corollary #1 is reversed - rain causes lubrication of the bus through air, and will result in the bus leaving your stop exactly on time.

19. The Rule of Enlightened Self-Preservation: If the bus driver of the bus going in the opposite direction of your destination (other side of the street) waves you to get on THEIR bus, dodge the cars if you must, and DO IT. Trust me on this one. :)

20. Route and Schedule Expert: Your bus driver. The crankier they are, the better. See Code of Ethics #4, and The Rule of Enlightened Self-Preservation above. Trust no one else.