The Ghosts of the Living

Halloween makes me think of ghosts.

There are ghosts of the living everywhere.

How could the living have ghosts? It's easy. They just need to be gone from your life for good. That, after all, is what makes a ghost a ghost. Death is one way, but not the only one - all that really matters is they're gone, and you'll never see the actual (corporeal) person again. But something remains, does it not? Something that is utterly invisible, but more real in some ways than the chair you're sitting in. That something is their ghost.

You'll meet ghosts often, at first, when the person is newly gone. The meetings can go something like these (thoughts):

"Wait until ______ hears about this!"
"Maybe I could ask ______ - they'd know"
"I'd better include ______ in my cc list on this e-mail"

These ghosts, of course, evaporate into the ectoplasmic void as soon as you realize the actual person is no longer present.

I'm pretty certain (or my pride likes to hope) that I'm a ghost to at least a half-dozen folks, who for one reason or another will never pass (in reality) through my life again. Friends and relations I've lost contact with over the years - and worse, who probably wouldn't recognize me (personality) today. My younger self is actually a ghost of mine - he's not dead, but he's definitely not coming around again. Think "Phaedrus" of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (Robert M. Pirsig, 1974), and you've got the general sense of that ghost.

These ghosts can give you some trouble, and cause various unproductive mental states, but believe it or not, they're not the worst, and certainly not the spookiest.

There's another kind of ghost I'm quite familiar with, but I'm not sure if it's a common one for others. This is the ghost of someone who has never lived, outside of my imagination. In a way, this could be said to be a ghost of (part of) myself. I'm not sure everyone sees them, because I'm pretty sure not everyone has the vivid imagination I possess. There are, however, some interesting, albeit spooky, aspects to this sort of ghost. These aspects are all entirely subjective/anecdotal on my part - if you have such ghosts, yours may very well be entirely different in aspect. I can't possibly know.

Probably the spookiest thing about them, is that although I never expect to actually see them (visual, "corporeal"), I actually do get that opportunity from time to time. Always as a stranger, on the bus, walking down the street, anywhere at all. Broad daylight doesn't matter to these ghosts. The tricky part is I'm never expecting to see them, so when I do, it's pretty "dumbfounding" and the simple reality test of speaking with the person is frightening in the extreme. So far I've never overcome that fear. Mind you, this is nothing like an every day experience. I'm talking maybe a few isolated times in my 48 years. These ghosts feel very "real", but they're rare, for me, anyway.

Funny though - my personal ghosts aren't "haunting" - they're hauntED. Nothing about their appearance is particularly startling except for the eyes. These are people who desperately need to tell somebody something - something really deep and important - if only someone would ask, and actually listen. It's in their eyes.

The other day, coming home from my initial session with my divorce attorney, I wondered if any of my fellow bus riders were experiencing me as such a ghost. To say the least, I was feeling about as haunted as I've ever felt in my life. I had just been presented with the hard reality of the process I'm about to go through, and the "best" likely outcomes for me financially (not too pretty, even in modern, "liberated" times). Dreams die a very hard death, and that day I had a quiet, business-like funeral for a dream. I felt like a ghost.

Culture Shock: Romance and Confusion in the International Age

No question - the world is shrinking, and the Internet is probably one of the main causes. In sum, I think this is a wonderful thing, particularly the effect of having ordinary folks, not just the wealthy or political leaders, making inroads in communication and cooperation internationally.

It's now technically as easy for me in California, USA, to have an "instant message" chat with someone sitting in Ghana, Africa as it is to talk to my next door neighbor (it's also very nearly as free). Emphasis on the word "technically" - and therein lies the rub.

All the technology in the world (even if we eventually have a breakthrough in language translation), won't address the issues I've recently encountered in talking with some potential romantic interests in that (same) African state. Although language is an issue, cultural differences are a bigger one, and are particularly relevant in terms of conducting the "art"/"science" of romance.

Admittedly, trying to get to know someone online well enough to even consider them as a romantic interest (I'm 48, and have more stringent and holistic criteria than the average 25 year old), is quite the task in itself, irrespective of any cultural issues.

Put a cultural divide in the mix, and you can almost literally have a three-ring circus, chat style.

Put Ghana on the map. All three (yes, that's 3) contacts I've made in the last month (Singlesnet) from that very country are amazingly similar - not so much in appearance (photos), but in terms of lifestyle and general attitudes about male-female relations. (BTW, all of them live in the U.S., according to their SN profiles). I'm really starting to get a strong sense that what I'm up against in a lot of my attempts to communicate my reality to these folks is not nearly so importantly language issues as cultural ones.

You see, I have this thing, (lately) of not being the least bit interested in hooking up (romantically, sexually, whatever you want to call it) with anyone who is not willing to take the time (months, if not years) to get to know who I am - *most importantly* all my weaknesses, faults, excess baggage, etc. *Of course*, the 30-something African princesses in skimpy shorts and tank-tops "fire my wire" - (these days, I usually end up explaining "the wire" to all my female friends - they don't want to believe it exists - it's utterly real, and every male human being (orientation/GI is just that) has one - I might do a blog post on it someday - keep watching).

The trouble is, (apparently) in their culture, or their (3x!) upbringing, or something (sigh), "love at first (sight)" isn't an "option," it's an inviolable romantic rule of thumb. The ensuing fantasy "relationship" (one-sided, believe me), is nothing if not insane. And it actually hurts. Why? Because in that (fantasy) relationship, *I* do not exist! "I" am a dream, a wish, a pleasant thought to sleep on. I also get this funny feeling that the purpose of this fantasy is to escape (literally) something. Which also makes it just plain tragic - cuz it ain't happening, honey.

The related trouble is that no (real, almost brutal!) effort on my part to shake the person from their fantasy by foisting my (partly ugly) reality on them is useless. See my last post on this blog for one failed attempt. Twice now (2x people), I have simply given up, and it's no more talk for me. How sad!

All of the above not withstanding the potential for this golly rot to be a (somewhat sophisticated, but useless on me) scam attempt (other posts of mine describe one I think was genuinely that). Makes for a cross-cultural nightmare.

So why do I even do it?

Why ask why? Why am I human? Why do I need friends and lovers and family and co-workers and the roughly 150 people who can fit in my "monkeysphere" (again, Google it, and/or visit the "Interesting" link on this very blog if you're curious)? Why am I a dyed-in-the-wool cynical skeptic, and an incurable romantic at the same time? And why do I think the only *right* social attitude is a universally inclusive one? Beats me. If you have a clue, (or even if you don't) feel free to comment.