More Victims of the Recession - Cost of Suicide Skyrockets

In yet another report of fallout from the current recession, the number of suicides has decreased as the cost of offing oneself has skyrocketed in recent months.

Jerry in Los Angeles had recently contemplated making the Big Choice, but has had to postpone his plans due to rising rope costs (his preferred method). "If I'd planned ahead a year ago" said Jerry from his low-rent, one-room flat, "I'd have been able to obtain plenty of hi-test Mylar, as well as a stainless steel bucket to kick. As it is now, all I can get is some cheap twine and a plastic kitty litter pan."

Guns and bullets too, have taken an inflationary beating as demand for these items has increased fivefold in the past 6 months - largely due to the increased self-defense needs of suburbanites. "Everyone's snapping up arms and ammunition faster than the shelves can be stocked." said an anonymous Wal Mart employee. High demand means higher prices for everyone, and this marginalizes the suicidal - who typically have incomes well below the Federal poverty line.

The various chemical methods haven't escaped the trend either. "Don't even talk to me about prescription tranquilizers," said Stacy of Simi Valley, "what with losing my insurance - which didn't cover my preferred drugs anyway - and the increasing cost of the newest and most powerful drugs."

Drugs aside, poisons in general (weed killers, rodent & other pest control products) have not benefited from recent dips in the price of petroleum, from which many of these products are derived. "It's criminal," said one prospect for the Big Kahuna, who prefers to remain anonymous, "how the poison industry has ignored the lower raw material prices, and reaped huge profits from the terminally depressed." Even the old standby Arsenic has become less available as environmental regulations have failed to keep up with the demand for cheap, reliable death.

Bridges too, the old romantic standby method, have come under scrutiny by the ISSC (International Suicide Selection Committee) - many of the most sought-after venues now have barriers that will only open for those who pre-pay the associated bridge maintenance district a hefty fee for cleanup operations. "People haven't traditionally considered the costs." says Ron Debnowski, of the Manhattan Bridge District. "We often end up having to bring in a crane boat - and the cost of doing so is enormous - sometimes as much as $5,000 per event. That doesn't even include the cost of body storage and identification for those who neglect to include proper documents with their jump." Debnowski says a typical jumper must pay an up-front fee of $500, and present valid ID and contact information for next of kin.

Naturally, suicide prevention organizations have expressed optimism that the dark cloud of the recession has produced this apparent silver lining. "We couldn't be more pleased with this report." stated Julie Stenner of the International Suicide Prevention Hotline. "A drop in suicide rates is good news, no matter why it occurs. We can only hope that as the recession deepens and spreads across the world, we'll see an even more dramatic drop in suicide rates."