Deaf and Dizzy meets Dumb - Life Frustrations Amplified

Here I am, back at my workplace, gradually getting less than mad as hell at no one in particular (Yellow Cab in general). Life was frustrating sometimes even when I could hear, and drive - now that I've landed myself outside of both of those option sets, my frustrations seem to be amplified, partly by my own denial - trying to act independent and competent in a driving, hearing culture.

The frustration today? I was *finally* scheduled to have my CT scan so my doc could get on with the process of diagnosing me so that maybe soon I can actually qualify for some of the assistance that I need. So it's a 20 minute cab ride from my office location, and I give "Yellow" an hour and a half lead - speaking to their dispatcher boldly and proudly through Sprint Relay. All set - 5 to 15 minutes, I'll be on the street...

Now yours truly is no stranger to taxicabs, busses, etc. - if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's waiting on the street for same. Now I'm sure you can guess what happened (or more correctly, didn't happen). Mind you, the logic of calling Yellow back, and begging, didn't escape me, but consider my dilemma as my deadline approaches. I can't talk to them on the cell phone, I'll need Sprint again - and God help me if I go back inside to hook up, only to find my cab came while I was spending the 10 or 15 minutes it takes to get through a relay session with a taxi dispatcher (and that's if you *don't* have a problem). So I decided that my only realistic plan was to continue waiting until the last possible moment, and give up. So I waited, it was, and I did. Fortunately the folks at UC Davis (where my CT was scheduled) were the understanding sort, and they happily re-scheduled me for the 4th of January. Not bad, I can live with that.

NOW, my plan on January 4th :-) - I'm going to give Yellow a 3 hour lead, and see if they can handle that! Yeah, it sucks, and I miss work, and all that, but what is one to do when the monopoly (here in Sacramento) that is Yellow Cab can't serve me - for any price? There's probably a bus that goes (LOL) - and it's probably more reliable (this wasn't my first, nor my most costly issue with the Jolly Yellow Giant). My existential gripe today is about the daily grind - just trying to get through what should be the routine stuff of life - and my (sad looking, I suppose) refusal to wear the "disabled" label on my shirtsleeve. Ugh!

Since I'm on a grumbling roll, I might as well toss in the fact (explained in great detail, very clearly and slowly, on my home answering machine), that I can only be helped by the California Dept of Rehab if I *don't* have a job. So what I need to do now is take lots of these 5 hour excursions to 1/2 hour appointments in the middle of working days, so my employer will fire me, and then I can wave my disabled/unemployed flag and shout "no-fair! pay up!"

I hate it when I get cynical, but there it is. Ugly, but it keeps me entertained.

Thanks for "listening" ;)

LifeWrecked - Out.

Company Holiday Party - Bah Humbug!

Warning: Disgusting display of narcissistic whining and self-pity ahead. Not recommended for the overly cheerful.

I fully expect a visitation from Marley's ghost (not Bob, the reggae artist - the Dickens character), and probably all three of his sidekicks, TGOCPst, TGOCPrs, and TGOCFut tonight, or some night between now and the Winter Solstice. They will no doubt have much to teach me about humility in the face of enforced social isolation. I hope they have strong, distinct voices, speak slowly, face me when speaking, and don't cover their ghostly lips.

Today we had the scaled-down version (from recent years) of our annual "holiday party" at my workplace. Scaled down for two reasons: WE (employees) are scaled down (our numbers have dwindled remarkably in the past year); and the giant multinational that owns us had decreed that all holiday parties henceforth shall not be held in any fun place, like a nice restaurant, a hotel bar, or a touristy apple farm in the foothills (all places our parties have been conducted in the past). In other words, no fun allowed.

This one was held where all our in-house gigs are held - a double-size (split partition) conference room, of the nice, modern, well-equipped, socially sterile variety. Credit to our local admin staff - they did have it catered, and the food was delightful. I'm sure I would have had a great time, had I been fully present, but of course, I wasn't, and didn't, though I tried very hard to keep reminding myself that I enjoy the company of my co-workers (perfectly true), despite not being able to understand a word they say.

Adult-onset Deafness is a silent killer - of spirits. I wanted so bad to relax and enjoy the camaraderie and laughter (all in plentiful supply). All I could do today was sit and smile. I felt cheated - not by my friends, but by this awful prison sentence of silence. Even though I can hear that people are talking, my discernment, at the moment is very near zero for normal speech. Sure, I can goad the people nearest me to help me out, and often will, but it’s still not at all like a normal, spontaneous group conversation. That's what I miss most - the freedom to catch someone's off the cuff remark, or follow a long-winded gag. Those freedoms have vanished for me. And yes, I'll be in the HA (hearing aid) crowd soon, but first I need to collect enough funds (state funding? - *please don't ask* - "You have a job, and we only help..."), and also let my doctors prove (CT scan coming) that I'm not in worse trouble than we think, and/or am curable.

It's in times like this that I know I need to count my blessings, so the first thing I'm thankful for is that I actually am able to consider it. I know some of us aren't. Part of my counting actually can start in that selfsame workplace - I do have many wonderful colleagues who go to great lengths to work with my hearing issues, and have plenty of compassion and understanding. I also have a bevy of the most awesome online friends (SWCers, that's you!) who totally understand what I'm feeling (and worse) from their own experiences. One of my major sanity anchors, right there. My family, who I've recently re-connected with after a long hiatus (future post, probably) is also very understanding and patient, and I know not everyone in my position gets that either. So, we see, I'm not really as socially isolated as I think, and the only thing that can make me lonely is the same thing it ever was (hearing or not) - I have to be willing to stretch myself socially (I'm an introvert by nature). In other words, welcome, Paul, to your own, personal - yet shared - version of humanity. We all get our turn, one way or another. I'm glad I have so many friends who'll listen when I take mine.

A happy and healthy holiday season to all!!!

[Note to Marley: Forget the chains - their message will fall on deaf ears ;)]