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I stated in the last blog post that I drink to kill the intellect. While that's certainly true, there's yet another reason that matters.
The loneliness of being hard of hearing (HOH) is probably another big driver of my "situation".
The thing is, though I can still do a one on one, face to face conversation fairly well. I just can't do groups.
Now perhaps you think this is a minor thing, a blip in the radar. But if you think that - you're wrong.
We are a social species. Both our survival and our thriving are related to how we manage our relationships with our "local" peers. I parenthesise local because we can now, indeed, have peers across the globe, thanks to the Internet.
Yesterday, I had an actual JOB REQUIREMENT, to attend a minor league baseball game (Sacramento Rivercats (home team) vs. Memphis Redbirds)
A "Team building exercise" it was called.
And build it did - no question, so don't consider my words here a disparagement of the event - it was a fun afternoon, for all, including me.
When you're HOH (hard of hearing) things work out a little different.
I'm in the situation where if I can face a person directly, read their lips a bit, and get them to talk slow, I can understand them - but a group conversation is impossible for me.
As it turns out, the group socialization is probably more important to the individual psyche than most one-on-one interactions (perhaps the exception is the "significant other").
I can't begin to express to you the isolation (loneliness) I felt (again, as usual) in this group of about 9 people, as I couldn't comprehend more than about 20% of the "chatter" among the group. Should I laugh when everyone else laughs? I chose not to. I've grown to loathe "faking it".
The loneliest moments in my life are when I'm in a group of people chattering away. I don't have a clue. I don't have a hope of comprehending. I'm the outsider. I'm the one probably a lot of people consider "standoffish" because I don't respond. I can't respond. Not appropriately.
OK, so it's existential bitching. Well, welcome to my blog - where existential bitching is the norm. It's my blog, so I'll bitch when I want. ;)
Next time you encounter an HOH person, may these words burn in your memory, and may you treat them as you would treat a beloved friend. That's all.
Paul S (AKA - LifeWrecked)
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4 comments:
The actually hurt reading it. I know the feeling only too well. I hate groups. I dropped out of book group because I couldn't deal with it. And yet, I want so much to be a part of a group of people who understand. It's just that no matter how many times I explain my situation, people forget my hearing is THAT bad. The isolation is probably the hardest part of being HOH/deaf. I always feel like I'm watching other people have fun. Even within my own family, there are things I missed that the rest of them shared because they could hear. I was there, but not there in the same sense they were, so missed family jokes. My husband has an entirely different relationship with our kids because he heard them growing up. It can be so painful.
Kim, thanks so much for sharing. Even if only in the smallest way, it helps us all to know we're not completely alone.
Hugs to you, my dear friend.
I know how hard it is to be in a group situation and "not get it."
And truthfully, its the hearing people who "don't get it." For some reason, hearing peoples' brains cannot accept the fact that someone who has a hearing loss...actually, cannot hear u. What is it about not hearing that they don't understand?
It never stops amazing me how "duh" hearing people are about our asking to be included.
However, I have several very VERY good friends who go out of their way to make sure I don't feel excluded. I'm very lucky to have those friends because they are the ones who make me feel strong enough to tell others in a group situation, what it is I need.
Hang in there Paul, there are definitely good people out there.
Don't let the tide take u down. You have to fight it!
hugs
pearl
Group situations are one of the hardest. I still hate group situations.
However the way I handle them now, is different to what I do now.
Before: Stressed about joining in
Now: Doesn't bother me - just enjoy the company even if you can't hear them. If there's something they WANT you to hear - they'll let you know.
Before: Would go to everything and anything, then find when i got home I hadn't enjoyed it becuase i couldn't hear.
Now: Choose very carefully what I do or not do, and I'm no longer scared to turn invitations down.
Before: Would put up with background music in places
Now: Always let people know I'm deaf and ask them to turn it off/down
Before: Used to think that not hearing somehting was terrible
Now: Realise that even hearing people miss out on things, and it's not important to hear every little thing - we place too much importance on this simply because we can't hear properly.
I hope this helps a bit in understanding what is important for you and what is not :)
cheers
Robyn
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