The Ghosts of the Living

Halloween makes me think of ghosts.

There are ghosts of the living everywhere.

How could the living have ghosts? It's easy. They just need to be gone from your life for good. That, after all, is what makes a ghost a ghost. Death is one way, but not the only one - all that really matters is they're gone, and you'll never see the actual (corporeal) person again. But something remains, does it not? Something that is utterly invisible, but more real in some ways than the chair you're sitting in. That something is their ghost.

You'll meet ghosts often, at first, when the person is newly gone. The meetings can go something like these (thoughts):

"Wait until ______ hears about this!"
"Maybe I could ask ______ - they'd know"
"I'd better include ______ in my cc list on this e-mail"

These ghosts, of course, evaporate into the ectoplasmic void as soon as you realize the actual person is no longer present.

I'm pretty certain (or my pride likes to hope) that I'm a ghost to at least a half-dozen folks, who for one reason or another will never pass (in reality) through my life again. Friends and relations I've lost contact with over the years - and worse, who probably wouldn't recognize me (personality) today. My younger self is actually a ghost of mine - he's not dead, but he's definitely not coming around again. Think "Phaedrus" of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" (Robert M. Pirsig, 1974), and you've got the general sense of that ghost.

These ghosts can give you some trouble, and cause various unproductive mental states, but believe it or not, they're not the worst, and certainly not the spookiest.

There's another kind of ghost I'm quite familiar with, but I'm not sure if it's a common one for others. This is the ghost of someone who has never lived, outside of my imagination. In a way, this could be said to be a ghost of (part of) myself. I'm not sure everyone sees them, because I'm pretty sure not everyone has the vivid imagination I possess. There are, however, some interesting, albeit spooky, aspects to this sort of ghost. These aspects are all entirely subjective/anecdotal on my part - if you have such ghosts, yours may very well be entirely different in aspect. I can't possibly know.

Probably the spookiest thing about them, is that although I never expect to actually see them (visual, "corporeal"), I actually do get that opportunity from time to time. Always as a stranger, on the bus, walking down the street, anywhere at all. Broad daylight doesn't matter to these ghosts. The tricky part is I'm never expecting to see them, so when I do, it's pretty "dumbfounding" and the simple reality test of speaking with the person is frightening in the extreme. So far I've never overcome that fear. Mind you, this is nothing like an every day experience. I'm talking maybe a few isolated times in my 48 years. These ghosts feel very "real", but they're rare, for me, anyway.

Funny though - my personal ghosts aren't "haunting" - they're hauntED. Nothing about their appearance is particularly startling except for the eyes. These are people who desperately need to tell somebody something - something really deep and important - if only someone would ask, and actually listen. It's in their eyes.

The other day, coming home from my initial session with my divorce attorney, I wondered if any of my fellow bus riders were experiencing me as such a ghost. To say the least, I was feeling about as haunted as I've ever felt in my life. I had just been presented with the hard reality of the process I'm about to go through, and the "best" likely outcomes for me financially (not too pretty, even in modern, "liberated" times). Dreams die a very hard death, and that day I had a quiet, business-like funeral for a dream. I felt like a ghost.

Culture Shock: Romance and Confusion in the International Age

No question - the world is shrinking, and the Internet is probably one of the main causes. In sum, I think this is a wonderful thing, particularly the effect of having ordinary folks, not just the wealthy or political leaders, making inroads in communication and cooperation internationally.

It's now technically as easy for me in California, USA, to have an "instant message" chat with someone sitting in Ghana, Africa as it is to talk to my next door neighbor (it's also very nearly as free). Emphasis on the word "technically" - and therein lies the rub.

All the technology in the world (even if we eventually have a breakthrough in language translation), won't address the issues I've recently encountered in talking with some potential romantic interests in that (same) African state. Although language is an issue, cultural differences are a bigger one, and are particularly relevant in terms of conducting the "art"/"science" of romance.

Admittedly, trying to get to know someone online well enough to even consider them as a romantic interest (I'm 48, and have more stringent and holistic criteria than the average 25 year old), is quite the task in itself, irrespective of any cultural issues.

Put a cultural divide in the mix, and you can almost literally have a three-ring circus, chat style.

Put Ghana on the map. All three (yes, that's 3) contacts I've made in the last month (Singlesnet) from that very country are amazingly similar - not so much in appearance (photos), but in terms of lifestyle and general attitudes about male-female relations. (BTW, all of them live in the U.S., according to their SN profiles). I'm really starting to get a strong sense that what I'm up against in a lot of my attempts to communicate my reality to these folks is not nearly so importantly language issues as cultural ones.

You see, I have this thing, (lately) of not being the least bit interested in hooking up (romantically, sexually, whatever you want to call it) with anyone who is not willing to take the time (months, if not years) to get to know who I am - *most importantly* all my weaknesses, faults, excess baggage, etc. *Of course*, the 30-something African princesses in skimpy shorts and tank-tops "fire my wire" - (these days, I usually end up explaining "the wire" to all my female friends - they don't want to believe it exists - it's utterly real, and every male human being (orientation/GI is just that) has one - I might do a blog post on it someday - keep watching).

The trouble is, (apparently) in their culture, or their (3x!) upbringing, or something (sigh), "love at first (sight)" isn't an "option," it's an inviolable romantic rule of thumb. The ensuing fantasy "relationship" (one-sided, believe me), is nothing if not insane. And it actually hurts. Why? Because in that (fantasy) relationship, *I* do not exist! "I" am a dream, a wish, a pleasant thought to sleep on. I also get this funny feeling that the purpose of this fantasy is to escape (literally) something. Which also makes it just plain tragic - cuz it ain't happening, honey.

The related trouble is that no (real, almost brutal!) effort on my part to shake the person from their fantasy by foisting my (partly ugly) reality on them is useless. See my last post on this blog for one failed attempt. Twice now (2x people), I have simply given up, and it's no more talk for me. How sad!

All of the above not withstanding the potential for this golly rot to be a (somewhat sophisticated, but useless on me) scam attempt (other posts of mine describe one I think was genuinely that). Makes for a cross-cultural nightmare.

So why do I even do it?

Why ask why? Why am I human? Why do I need friends and lovers and family and co-workers and the roughly 150 people who can fit in my "monkeysphere" (again, Google it, and/or visit the "Interesting" link on this very blog if you're curious)? Why am I a dyed-in-the-wool cynical skeptic, and an incurable romantic at the same time? And why do I think the only *right* social attitude is a universally inclusive one? Beats me. If you have a clue, (or even if you don't) feel free to comment.

Love Professed - The 20 Question Test

People (Women, especially) who profess to love me, or "be in love" with me, would do well to answer the following 20 questions about the *real* me. Why I suggest this, is because if what you love about me is based on some fantasy that you have, we're not going to get very far in any kind of committed relationship.

All of the information you need to answer these questions is either available on my blog:

http://thelifewreckblog.blogspot.com/

and/or if I've sent you this test in e-mail, I've already made it clear to you in plain English - and if English is not your cup of tea, we've still got a deep issue to overcome (albeit if only in terms of communication).

Answer the following to the best of your ability (you're welcome to look it up if needed).

If you refuse to respond appropriately to this test, then clearly you do not know me / understand me well enough to "love" me, and your efforts to convince me of same are pointless indeed.

I will not enter a deep relationship (beyond a simple friendship) with anyone who refuses to know the real me - if only to the point of what I'm willing to share publicly.

You are welcome to be as elaborate (lengthy) in your answers as you wish. If you can get close to expressing the reality of who I am (as publicly presented), that is all that counts.

Here we go...

1. What is my significant physical disability/challenge today?


2. What is the most painful aspect of the above disability/challenge? In other words, what bothers me the most about it?


3. (Easy one) How old am I?


4. What is my current marital status (please be very specific)?


5. Why do I appreciate my current marital status as a positive thing?


6. What is most significant about my current financial situation. Again, please be as specific as you can.


7. What is my favorite alcohol beverage (evidence of this is clear on my blog - feel free to look)? [Important! - This has changed recently! - see my comment (this post) as of 10/3/2007]


8. What is my favorite general area of interest (as evidenced by the "Other Sites I Like" section of my blog)?


9. Why do I have a blog? (You can use my own words, expressed clearly there)


10. What city in California, USA, do I work in?


11. What city in California, USA, do I live in?


12. Essay question - Purpose - learning your general attitudes about me, my sense of humor, my oddities, etc.: Why do you think I find the blogs/web sites in the Interesting Blogs/Sites section of my blog "interesting"? (You don't have to actually visit the sites to answer this one well). Please be as thorough as you can with this one - I'm not an easy bird to capture. :)


13. Free question that gets you extra points for real thought (hollow compliments don't work well): If you could use one word to describe my core personality, what word would you use?


14. What's the most usual form of transportation I use? (e.g., to go to work, shopping, etc.)


15. What's the 2nd most usual form of transportation I use?


16. I recently gave up something most people (in the USA anyway) consider a necessity in their lives. What was it?


17. Why did I give up the thing in #16?


18. Do I now regret giving up that thing (#16)? Why or why not?


19. Do I believe in God (omnicient, omnipotent creator of all that is)?


20. Who and/or what is "Tovy"? :)


Thanks for taking my little test (if you did). Please understand; the point of this test is not to put you "on the spot", or judge you in any way. The point of it is that I truly believe that no one can really love me unless they know who I really am. And that is a very complex thing - it doesn't happen overnight, and no, it isn't as easy as reading a blog - but that's a good start, because I'm making every effort to be as real, and open, and honest about all my issues, thoughts, feelings, stupidities, ad nauseum on there.

So take this in the quasi-cynical tone it's meant, enjoy it if you can, and when you decide you're "in love" with someone (whether it be me or not), take my advice, and *slow down*. If you've got time to love, you've got time to love for *real*.

Paul S - AKA LifeWrecked

The Challenge of International Relations

Talk about presidents doing (or not doing, as the case may be) diplomacy. How do you conduct a new friendship (possible "relationship") with someone whose primary (secondary, tertiary...) language isn't English?

Singlesnet is *clearly* an international forum, but then again, profiles are un-verified, so a lot of folks from foreign lands will represent themselves in their profiles as living in various U.S. locations. Case in point: Ghana, Africa (Iowa, USA). Yes, I know - another Ghanan Paul? Africa is the latest hotbed of scams, you know - well, I'll let you know. :)

Trouble with this one is, English is a good trick. I'm learning to keep it very simple, but still, it's hard, and I can't help but be reminded of my deaf days. I identify with my contact - she's struggling to understand me, and respond appropriately, just as I struggle to understand hearing folks when they talk to me a mile a minute. Parallels are everywhere.

Different culture too. Apparently, in Ghana, when a man talks to a woman, that's it - they might as well get hitched next week. :) Needless to say, I'm keeping very tight boundaries on this one. ;)

Pleasant thing, in many ways, ;), but very young for me, in more ways than one. I'm in the mode of "friend for far away oppressed, lonely person who's needing outside contact so she can muster up the courage to take the reigns of her own life." I can be that, and that only, no problem.

The language thing is a doozie though. Same for all of us. I am what I fear. How about that?

Collateral in the Dirt Wars - The Attack of the Leaf Blowers

This morning while walking to catch my connecting bus in downtown Sacramento, I was given the all to familiar opportunity to enjoy a "dust bath" - two gentlemen armed with high-power leaf blowers were kicking up a literal dust storm on the sidewalk. Though when they saw me coming, they did throttle-down and lower their weapons, it was far too late. With the air being relatively calm, the menacing cloud of grit enveloped me as I did my best to hold my breath while accelerating my pace and attempting (hopelessly) to shield my eyes.

Later, on the bus, after my eyes stopped watering, I pondered yet again the unanswered question that has plagued me ever since I started my "bus walks" as I like to call them. The question, in its simplest form: Who's dirt is it anyway?

Here's the deal - the sidewalk is dirty, I get that part. So blow the dust out into the street. Now the street is dirty (the sidewalk on the other side, too). Here come cars and trucks and buses, (other people's leaf blowers...) Wind. Now the sidewalk is dirty again. If I ever want a career with perfect, eternal job security, I think my search is over.

All I really want to know - and I do encourage comments on this one - am I the only one who thinks this method of "sidewalk maintenance" is nuts? I know they're doing it this way (probably) because there's an ordinance against doing it with water (air vs. water, hmmm... breathe vs. drink... hmmm....)

Ah, the things life begs us to ponder...

Sad is Not Depressed - What is Love?

The Problem.
The Gift?
I see it and know it.
Everywhere.
Everyone.
Yes, woman compels.
But man is there too.
Sad - I know. I know.
I know so much.
Silence.
A shroud.
Presidents.
Yes, Presidents.
Decisions.
Alone.
Sad.
Bag Lady.
Negotiates.
Succeeds!
Sad.
Pinch my fingers tightly.
I'm just that far today.
Again, I do.
Nothing else.
What to do?
Nothing.
Built-in.
Sad.
Lively teen.
High on life.
Talking for it's own sake.
Lonely teen.
Listens, nods.
Grateful there's contact.
What a bus ride.
Watching.
If only you knew.
What?
Barriers.
Sad.
We will know We.
Or know nothing.
Sad?
And my friend in Accra.
Speaks English, almost.
What a beauty.
And so distant.
I go deaf.
She goes clueless.
Online.
Sad.

Not depressed.
Just Sad.

Dangerous World - Life in the Singles Lane

Scammers are everywhere. Funny. The last place I would've thought to beware of a money con probably should have been the first place. Lonely singles, seeking their "other" on Singlesnet. The good news - I'm 48, and if you've read my other posts here, you know, I've been around the block and back again. I didn't get burned. But holy s**t, did I come close - and I worry for the next mark.

"all_about_love" was the screen name. Should have been "all_about_your_money". Sweet thing, theoretically female (I really don't know - can't know online), mom and dad both died early, all alone in "ghana" (Africa, for the geographically challenged). Understands my current plight completely (but honey, look at my blog, look at my blog, look at my blog - thank God, "she" apparently didn't, and didn't capture my e-mail address either).

Next day (YM chat) "she's" waiting. Been up all night, thinking about "something I want to discuss with you". Really? Gosh, one chat. When women want to have a "discussion," it's
usually serious. Uh, we ain't serious yet. :*)

Do tell. "You promised you would do absolutely anything to help me, right?"

Uh, [*really*], uh, no! Think... You must have been talking to someone else, but of course, I'm friendly, so if am *able* to help you with something, I'll surely try!

Now I can't even fully relate the rest of the "story"... It's so convoluted - but the upshot is that girlfriend needs up to $1300 in *cash* (US$) to secure $190,000 that *I* (theoretically) would get to manage, and "why don't you tell me how much can you help me with?"

Mind you, I've chatted with this person *once* before. We're already asking for money. This relationship is going well. :*) Anybody besides me smell a rat?

I called girlfriend's hand. I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say that there was nothing left to say ("she" got very silent in a hurry).

YM Friends List: all_about_love removed. Yahoo mail: removed. Interestingly, all_about_love Singlesnet: member does not exist. Naturally. I actually liked "her" after the 1st chat. That's how close it came.

Good thing I'm essentially broke anyway (one of the things I mentioned when I called the game - "...I'm not a good mark, honey").

Scammers are everywhere. Be careful people. They play on your weakness. Think you don't have one? Good luck to you.

-LifeWrecked